Your respiratory and digestive systems are optional. Cast them aside if you feel you no longer need them.
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
Survive a biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your knees, then rolling over and playing dead.
Do not drive a station wagon if a utility pole is protruding from the bonnet.
A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.
No pyromaniacs admitted.
A quick family snapshot in front of the latest scene of a terrorist attack may became a treasured family keepsake that will preserve precious memories for years to come.
That closet door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don't go there.
The middle of a terrorist attack is not an appropriate time to catch up on your reading or paperwork.
If you see colors in the sky, grasp your throat and pretend to choke yourself. Girls go for that.
If your intended destination is suddenly vaporized, consider pulling over and watching the cool light show.
If the weather is overcast with dark skies, look for worms in the grass.
After all life is gone, modern appliances will continue to run forever. Think about it.
Your telephone may be a practicing physician. Look for a phone with no numbers on it.
"Wash your hands" of traditional long distance telephone providers.
Only the coolest irradiated citizens will be allowed into the 'underground' rave in the shelter.
In case of emergency, the parking brake may be used as an adult novelty item.
In time of war, real Aussies eat red meat only! No wimpy fish or poultry, please.
There is a reason you failed chemistry.
Watch out for people who come out of white tents and try to steal the shirt off your back.
If you are trapped with no hope of being found, amuse yourself in your final moments with shadow puppets.
Radioactive materials come in 4 convenient sizes:
- individual dose
- family value size
- neighborhood spray pump size
- supersize!
Satellite photos of Texas show the large embarrassing radioactive crop circle in Southeast Texas.
When the looting begins remember to consider the weight/value ratio. Here we have a few examples of high value, low effort.
